एकाकी Life

Struggle was all around me, i got numbers of failure. I was trying too much and in result of that i got some good job. I was desperate for someone, when we show desperation for someone, we become crazy for him/her. I was away from my family, i got job and now priority has been changed, i was dreaming all time about that someone, a girl. I wanted to tell her my feelings, for that i have to come in picture. I started with her friends, she was very social and active girl. just after initiation i got a chance to be with her. I was with her for more than a week, as she was going for a tour with her colleagues and i also joined her. There i got few chances to show my emotions, but first i wanted to know her emotions regarding all these, as i was aware that she don't love me , but i was curious to know that did she love someone. There was few chit-chats and i concluded that she is not engaged with anyone. Now i start feeling her and copying her movements. i copied her favorite list to my favorite list. Now after few attempts, i get noticed by her as one day she told me that i am good in many workouts. i found my way. i keep doing according to her taste. Two years we were together and but still i haven't proposed her neither she, but we both became good friends. Few of our friends commented on us so one day i decided to propose her. We both were walking on road in evening and there i told her everything. She politely replied that she is already engaged, she never told here anyone because she and her fiance are together since their childhood, they are neighbors and their families have accepted their relationship and she will get married after his fiance return from US. She also told me not to tell this anyone. We agreed to continue our friendship same as before. but since after that when i came in front of her i feel like looser, like guilty and many other. We both reduced our outing together, i just want to keep away myself from her. I told about her fiance to my friends and that leaked to whole office. She get angered with me. i left the job and searched some other job. i was feeling alone and that leads me to some serious health issues. Any how i transferred my message to her, that i am sick hoping she might come to meet me, i was still hopeful that she might come to my life. I suffered heavy money crises due to Medical expenses. After being fit again that i joined my job and till then i came to know that i have to give some time before taking any decision. After that now three years have been passed. She got married and now shifted to US. I have desperately waited for her till now and will continue till my life. May be she came back, but now i understood the feelings that instead of being alone i should prefer  एकाकी life. And i am on my way since last one year i am fine now, but still looking for some doomsday or similar like that.

Dark corner

Somewhere Dark corners of life impact our life too much. My wife Somya has meet my past time girl-friend Rita. Both met in a fashion institute but both don't know me as a link between them. One day when i came from office, i saw both were waiting for me to go for watching cinema. As i saw Rita i was surprised and i have no option, so i go with them. Somya commented me: "aaj badi jaldi taiyaar ho gaye", and then she told her few more about me. Rita was pursuing her Fashion designing course from the same institute where Somya took some guest lectures. In cinema hall the sitting order was Me, Somya and Rita. During movie i just move my head towards Rita, she was looking at me, she smiled as i saw her. I just smiled and moved my head towards screen. During the movie time, i tried to look at her but all time i found she was looking at me. I was feared that if Rita told Somya about her past relationship. I was too much feared, Rita just got indication that i am not comfortable, so after movie she took me away from my wife saying-
Rita (to somya): Let me to check your hubby loyalty.
Somya: He is yours. you can take him.
(i was silent, so Rita hold my hand and moved little far from my wife:)
Rita (to me): Why are you reacting too much, Are you looking me first time, so be easy, okay.
Me (to Rita): Did you have told her about us.
Rita (to me): you just be okay, i am fine, i have forgotten all. i am also planning to marry with Sumeet. Do you remember him.
(Now this time i realized that a woman can forgive all your mistakes, for single happiness. Probably this is the reason why god made them beautiful.)
(Rita hold my hand and moved towards my wife and handover my hand to her hand saying "pakad ke rakhna, warna mai le udungi"). All were laughing, and after some light dinner Rita went to her hostel room.

(As rita left, i thought what i will told somya if she asked anything about her, because i not aware of what Rita has told her about us As Rita has not answered me clearly).
Somya: "badi batein kar rahe the, aaj. tumhara bhi bhagne ka irada tha kya".
Me: Thinking so.
Somya: Rita is nice girl. You know she is getting married next month and she had invited me.
Me: She is your student, so you must go.
(I drive the car and we reached home).

Next day (12:00 noon)
(my mobile rings as Somya called me. i received her call)
Somya (hard voice): Ajay, just finish your work and come early to home. (i thought she must have came to know something about me and Rita). so i quickly leave for home.
(at home)
(As i reached she gave me plain glass of water and told: "change kar lo fir baat karte hai". )
(i was too quiet, i have not asked even a single question, i just changed my dress as she ordered me).
(As i came out of bathroom she just smiled on me and when i just tried to ask she told: "Baith jao, aaram se batati hu").

Somya: Rita has called me today, she told me something about you, which you have never told me.
Me(I was like "kato to khoon nahi" means i felt that havoc has been created by Rita. i have nothing to say. i just keep my silence.): "kaun si baat" (in very light voice)
Somya: You know her already but never told me.
Me: yes, but it was past and there was no reason to talk about her.
Somya: Today she called me and told about you both.
Me: i am sorry.
Somya (smiled at me, she drag herself close to me and hug me tightly): Ajay, you are too innocent, i love you. She called me and told that you are afraid, so she told me that you both love each other during college life but you both moved to different locations after college and after then you meet yesterday. She advised me to take care of you.
Me: (nodded my head showing yes)
Somya: You can say me whatever you want to say, be sure i will never leave you, neither i will allow you to leave me. So whatever whenever you want to share anything to me, just do that. Never afraid that our relationship can ever break.
Me: thanks somya and i wrapped her around my arms.

(I felt myself the world's most luckiest husband of earth. Today i got such wife which even god has only dreamed of. )

Moral: whenever you come to know about some dark past of your close one. please don't ruin your relationship due to that past event. During whole life we grow, we witness each moment a new life. Always try to get positive of each scenario. Life is for living, hold each other in each moment of life, never think to go away from your close ones.

Honest

I was suffering from some serious troubles and eagerly looking for someone who shares my pain. I talked to all my close friends, but i found no one interested in my problems. Everyone said some motivating words and moved away. I was surprised that i have not even a single friend for such times. I myself tried to get rid of all troubles, but i was unable due to some reasons. I tried few months with all these and one day someone came in my life and i feel that my troubles are now shared and almost solved. This someone was a lady, who wants to live for life with me. I have no problem. As now relationship grows, we both have some expectations from each-other. i knowingly never did any mistakes but she felt that doing mistakes its my nature. We argue on some issues but very soon we both be easy as well. But now argument on each issue become part of daily routine. i found myself again in this undesired problem, Now i intentionally kept myself away from home. i keep staying at office late night. One day she told me to come early, this relationship was our wish so for relationship i came early and when i reached home i was really feeling nice after, because it was my B'day and there was surprised party for me. i was too happy, and i decided to makeover this relationship to a healthy relationship. After party i kissed her and thanked her for such beautiful party. She was looking very happy, it reminds us our few months earlier days. We were living together without knowledge of our families. Her father health become serious so she went to her father house to take care there. Her father's illness seems that he could die anytime, so in wait of that she stayed there for seven months. One day she told me that her father wants her to marry with his choice boy as his last wish. She accepted her wish as there was pressure from her family. She told me to forget her. I tried too much to change her mind for our future, but she was not ready to leave them for me.
I thought i had lost the reason to live. I was under depression and find myself in very unusual type of problems. Whenever i remember her, i feel myself unconscious. i found myself deeply attached with her virtual identity. i was living with that. i thought i am suffering from some psychological disorder, so i went to psychiatrist. but all tests were normal but it was hurting me. As I have no other option i have to suffer such stages. Now since that four years have been passed and still i am suffering from her virtual imagination. My family force me to marry with someone but i didn't do that. Now i feel this suffering as my true friend whenever i feel sad, i remember the time when we both were together and these suffering/ feelings took me out of this world. Due to this problem i have no relation with anyone, i am alone for entire world, but how am i for myself is known by me only. Still i am hunting myself in my dreams. So its all about dreaming, a world of fake reality and world of honest truth.

social mania- issues

Everything seems good when we discuss about growth of india, when we look at Sensex and the GDP. Irrespective of downwards movements of worlds we keep growing at some constant rate, are enough to feel us satisfied. But same when we come to know about few followings-
1. Child marriage of girl with the man age of her father. (It's a ritual in TN )
2. Khap panchayat (dark side of democracy)
3. Non realistic boundation for widow.

In TamilNadu near the Jambumadai district many district have beliefs of marrying her girl child to the man age of her father. This ritual is not comes under government law as child marriage is crime but here this is allowed. These areas are also among most cases of AIDS effected areas. I am not writing here that we should feel sorry for them, but it is the time when some of us have to come up and took an initiative. Atleast petition should be filed in supreme court by some higher authority as N.D. Tiwary has filed for not giving his blood for DNA test. Think little bit because nothing will be automatic.

Khap panchayat are made for dictatorship, for more details google it or click here.

In india there are too many laws for providing freedom to widows, but still the situation on real earth is not good. If a girl become window at early age, she had to go with the process of her new family. There should be common understanding among families that she needs some good support for her life, so she should also have the right of choosing her new partner (if she wishes). In metro cities the culture has adopted it but in rural and backward areas the situation are worst. Needed some movement like Anna hazzare did for Lokpal. it should not be against anyone, It should be for making awareness among people about this issue. Some initiative may improve the scenario.

Is this love

I was crying to marry with my classmate girl. I was in class 6 and 11 years old. One day i was fighting with my friends in class after that class teacher force me to sit with girls row, i thought after few periods i would again join my group. But all teacher told me to sit with her. She was very silent in class but it was the results when she always top the chart. I was wondered what to talk to a girl. If i keep myself quiet there, then i have to sit there always, so i decided to tease her. When i asked few childish questions, she threatened me to tell the principle. But after all these i continued to create some sort of problem for her. One day i asked about their parents and asked her view on marriage. In between such talks i asked if she had to marry with me, she goes to teacher and told that mam Ajay is asking for marriage. I was also good boy, so teacher just smiled and say nothing to me. Now onwards i joined a new person in my friends list that was she. Now we are comfortable with each other and become good friends. In month of march she told me that her father has got transferred so she will go to Dehradun for next class study. I was happy because now i can join my group again, but i also feel little disappointment as i came to know that my new group is all around her. After that we always talked about ourself, on a big bench we both sit only no other is allowed to sit with us, we quarrel all times. She always threat me with her words- "main kuch dino mei chali jaungi tab ladna mughse". 

The final exam was over and extra class for next year started after the exam. On very first day she came to college was weeping, today she was sitting with girls and i wanted to know the reason why she is not sitting with me today. But she was weeping so i didn't asked anything to her and from next day she never come again. i came to know that she left the city and moved to Dehradun. After she left i always keep thinking about her, about all chit-chats. Sometimes i think i must say something to her, or sometime i laugh all on these. but today it all still reside in my memory.
I think she was my first love, I searched her on all social networking sites, but not found her till today, hopefully i found her sometime later. I want to meet her and continue my friendship from where she left me quietly.

A night in train

I was going to meet my family by train. I saw a lady in train. Lady was very beautiful, she was with her husband and two children. Lady was searching something, she was searching beneath birth and everywhere in boogie. I asked her, "May I help you". Lady smiled only. I asked again. Lady said, she is searching her earing. Now my turn to smile, so i smiled and move to my berth. Lady's smile has killed me. Lady was sleeping adjacent to my birth. i was looking at her very carefully, that no one come to know. I was looking at her face, light was dim but enough to fall in love with her. I was not thinking about anything else her. Then i realize that i should take few steps, so i came to know about her. She had not found her earing, so i decide that if i find that then i could talk her. I came down and start searching. once i feel that she looked at me while i was searching. I didn't found that so moved to berth. When this time i saw her she was looking at me.

She told - Are you thief.

I replied - no (surprised).

she : speak slowly..

Me: ok. I am not thief, i was just searching there something.

She: my ear-rings

Me: no, actually i was ...

She: I know, but why?

Me: "bas aise hi"

She: "koi to wajah hogi". do you want to flirt with me.

Me: (surprised) no, just thinking to talk to you, so i assume that may be a way.

She: Oh!, Do you like me.

Me: Sorry...

She: Yes, i asked- Do you like me.

Me: Why are you asking so.

She: You don't want to reply.

Me: (thinking what to say..) Yes, i am.

She: Will you marry me.

Me: (totally surprised... i was looking all around. I thought that she is trying to trap me, so i decide to reply safely. i was silent...)

She: hello, are you awaking.

Me: Yes i am. (she was awesome, but some fear inside me forcing me to control my emotions...) Do you know me?

She: first you reply, Will you marry me.

Me: no

She: Why?

Me: because, i don't love you. i only like you. It doesn't mean that i marry you. and you are already married and you have two children as well.

She: (laughing........)

Me: What happened.

She: Hey Ajay.. You are still stupid as you was before.

Me: (i surprised to listen my name. then i tried to recognize her. She was sweta.) Sweta..., you are Sweta.

She: Yes, i am.

Me: how you recognize me?

She: It's not a big deal, so now do you want to answer me.

Me: (i loved her since my college days, after that i have no other girlfriend. i had listened that she is doing job somewhere and still not married. so i asked about these children).

She: He is my jiju and they are my sister's children.

Me: (i think bout her marriage proposal and said) In respect to your question, I do.

She: What question. i don't think i asked any question to you.

Me: Hello, you did, okay. so My turn. Do you Love me?

She: (smiling..) Good night, kal ghar chalo fir baat karte hai...

smiles all around

(and i starts dreaming all again my past, present and future...)